Self-Portrait Poem That Is Also a Study by Fabienne Josaphat

Self-Portrait Poem That Is Also a Study

by Fabienne Josaphat

I see myself in her in photos, and see her in myself. Lately it seems I see her everywhere. Sometimes she is the woman pushing her shopping cart down the aisles hunting for canned olives and mackerel to fill her pantry, shopping with her eyes first, and then weighing and smelling candles, the ultimate luxury in this American life, one a nurse’s aide cannot afford. I recognize her in the way she slumps over the frame of the cart for support, unable to carry the weight of her own body, heels clapping in clogs with each step, applauding her survival. My mother endured too much and that is the miracle and this is what I tell myself too when I look in the mirror, for this is where I find her the most: in the double chin of motherhood, creased with fear of my own failure, in the wrinkles on my forehead that I massage with anti-time creme, in the way I push the cart down the aisle and lean in for support, barely holding up my own body under the weight of this country, what it has done to me, her, us—in the way I emotionally down an entire bar of chocolate as I sit in the car, swallowing shame, in the gray hairs I now count in each brittle braid. I too am falling. I too am failing. I too am afraid.

This poem was published in published in SWWIM Everyday on March 8, 2024. I am rarely disappointed in the poetry they publish, and if you would also like to receive their weekday poems in your email, click here for their homepage.

I love how this poem begins with the speaker comparing herself to a "her/she." We do not find out until halfway through the piece that the speaker is referring to her mother. But before that, we get vivid descriptions of the speaker and other women (and her mother) shopping. This is so incredibly powerful and instantly recognizable:

"I recognize her in the way she slumps over the frame of the cart for support, unable to carry the weight of her own body, heels clapping in clogs with each step, applauding her survival."

We are not told directly about the speaker's mother after we told that this is the "her/she." We find out she endured a lot and that she survived was a miracle.

The speaker then tells us about her mother by describing herself throughout the rest of the poem, and these are all images most aging women can relate to: double chin, gray hair, shame-eating chocolate, and wrinkles.

Again, another strong description is back in the supermarket:

"the way I push the cart down the aisle and lean in for support, barely holding up my own body under the weight of this country, what it has done to me, her, us"

and this poem moves from the tiredness of aging and economic struggle to something larger. This poem becomes a poem about how we are all like our mothers and our society makes us feel as if we are falling and failing, and makes us afraid. Besides ending with those wonderful "f" words, this poem makes me think of the great feminist poems I read back in the 1970s, poems that called out patriarchy while still being powerful poems. I love how the poet starts small and ends large, and does so by never preaching or telling us what to think or feel. The next time I am in the supermarket, I will definitely notice how I am pushing my cart,

as well as the other women in the aisles.